Sunday, April 8, 2012

Breathe. In, out. Repeat indefinitely.

I walk into the room.
The quiet, indistinct buzz of conversation unsuccessfully attempts to disguise the tension,
the sweaty hands hold tightly to pencils as everyone tries to chat casually with each other,
almost believable but for the strain underlying their cheery tones.
Smile, say hello to my friends. 
Sit down.
I hold my pencil in my hands, my over-sized denim purse in my lap.
Ask if the people sitting by me are nervous.
Absentmindedly twist my silver daisy-chain ring round and round my ring finger.

Finally the room quiets down and orientation starts.
Laughter, nervous at first, but then increasingly comfortable, is the response to the director's comfortable, amusing way of speaking.
I eventually set down my pencil. 
My breath has stopped fluttering;
My hands are still sweaty.

And then auditions start. 
I watch as people filter to the front of the room,
Some confident, some shy.
All hoping to show their best, do their thing;
All hoping to shine.
And - they do.
Everyone with a unique interpretation.
It's amazing to see how many different interpretations one character can have.

I am called up.
I stand, my script held tightly in my hands, and make my way to the front.
Breathe. In, out. Repeat indefinitely.
I look at the script, find my place.
As I read, I hope desperately that I'm doing my best, that I'm doing enough.
I can't help but wonder how I'm doing. 
Whether the passion that I feel as this character, the painful memories that I am reliving, are convincing.
When it really comes down to it - can I act?
Do I have what it takes?
The director thanks me.
I take my seat.

The evening continues on, the people filter past, all unique, all talented.
Finally, it's over. 
Stay around, talk, laugh with friends, relief coloring our tones now.

When I consider the group,
I start to realize that if I were to be given the smallest part
I would be absolutely honored to be acting with these people.
I would be absolutely honored to be acting with this group.
Not to say I don't long for a bigger role;
I would love a bigger role.
But, whatever part I am given, whoever I get the chance to portray,
I know wholeheartedly
that I am going to love being a part of Smorgasbord Studios this year.

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